Timeless Mattering

A growing number of experts are emphasizing the importance of mattering, the sense that we are valued and that we add value to others’ lives. Jennifer Breheny Wallace writes in her book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, that, “Mattering is what psychologists call a “meta-need” or “umbrella term” because part of its power lies in how it encompasses familiar concepts—feelings of connection.”

Mattering combines connection, belonging, and purpose, topics we regularly explore in the Language of Friendship. Although much of the media focus tends to be on teens and young adults finding their place in the world, embracing purpose and mattering to others later in life is just as vital. I was reminded of this recently through an unexpected interaction at the library. An older gentleman noticed I was holding Theo of Golden by Allen Levi and asked if I had read it. When I said I hadn’t, he picked up another book, The Borrowed Life of Frederick Fife by Anna Johnston, and encouraged me to check it out as well.

I’ll admit I almost put his recommendation back on the shelf as soon as he walked away. I had planned to pair Theo of Golden with a novel by Laura Dave, whose characters tend to be in their 30s and wrestling with familiar questions about identity, career, and family. I didn’t think I’d be interested in a story centered on someone decades older than I am.

I resisted the urge, checked out the book, and I’m so glad I did. It’s a moving tale of mistaken identity in which Frederick, newly homeless after caring for his late wife, steps into the life of Bernard, a difficult resident of a senior home, who unbeknownst to the staff had passed away. As Frederick navigates Bernard’s world, he enriches the lives of the people around him, including Bernard’s estranged daughter. Frederick is an unlikely protagonist, unexpectedly finding his purpose late in life, and endearing the reader to his compassion and wit.

Reading this book made me reflect on my interaction with the octogenarian at the library. I wasn’t rude, but I was a bit dismissive and didn’t fully honor his attempt at connection. The moment stayed with me and reminded me that every person, regardless of age or background, has the potential to make a small but meaningful difference in someone else’s life.

Mattering moments often show up in these unremarkable exchanges. A quick hello, short conversation, or receiving a book recommendation are all ways to honor someone else’s significance. And it’s something we can experience and offer every day.