Friendship Insights

When Sara and I began researching the topic of friendship prior to launching our blog in early 2021, there were seemingly few books on the subject. We read Surgeon General Vivek Murthy’s groundbreaking book, Together, about the loneliness epidemic in our country, and interviewed author Lydia Denworth about her book on the science of friendship. Research on the topic was limited, and even bookstores weren’t clear how to categorize these books.

Fast forward to Fall 2024, and tips on how and why we should prioritize friendships or overcome loneliness are covered in everything from The Atlantic magazine to Organizational Psychologist Adam Grant’s podcast on the TED Audio Collective. One reason for the growing interest in this topic, according to Grant’s recent conversation with Surgeon General Murthy, is that after Covid, “our social muscle weakened a lot.” Combined with overscheduled lives, it can be hard for us to feel emotionally connected to our friends.

According to research highlighted in The Atlantic’s recent article, “The Friendship Paradox,” we may want to see our friends, but the reality is that we’re spending more time alone. What surprised me most about the article was reading how weekly time spent with friends has declined from an average of six hours to three hours in just the past decade.  

The Covid pandemic had an impact on friendships but that isn’t the only factor that’s led to this notable decline. In November 2019, Atlantic writer Judith Shulevitz shared that work expectations have evolved over the years to require longer hours and a need for flexibility to accommodate shifting work schedules. For many, that can mean: “Even a far-off event can be a source of anxiety when you don’t know what your schedule will be next week, let alone next month.” Couple that with caregiving or other responsibilities and it’s no wonder we’re spending less time with our friends.

Logistics can be a barrier to connecting with friends, but so are expectations. In September, Sara wrote how the stress of scheduling dinner out with a group of friends led one of them to suggest an in-home potluck as an alternative. Rather than making every connection an event, we can be open to more informal and spontaneous ways to connect with friends. Suggesting a last-minute walk, or phone call during a commute, can help us feel less lonely, and make prioritizing friendships a little bit easier.

Of all the means to ensure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.

Epicurus