Sometimes You Need to Walk Away

Not all friendships are meant to be, and walking away can sometimes be in our best interest. You may be surprised to read that statement in this blog that champions friendship, but it’s true. When a friend becomes a harmful or negative presence in our lives, we may have to prioritize our own well-being and consider moving on.

As kids, our parents would warn us away from associating with peers and friends who were “bad” influences. Sometimes that was helpful advice, and sometimes it was counterproductive, but parental interference could also serve as a convenient excuse if we needed to move away from a friendship. In adulthood, we have to look after our own best interests and that is not always straightforward or easy.

I made the decision a few years ago to walk away from a long-term friendship with ‘Lucy’ after she confronted me during a coffee date. Lucy was someone I had befriended many years prior, and long before she had extracted herself from what turned out to be an abusive marriage. I had been by her side for painful years as she established herself as a single mom. She leaned on me frequently, and I always tried to help when I could—to the extent that sometimes it bothered my husband to have her and her kids around so often, especially during holidays. I knew she could not reciprocate, and I didn’t mind because I knew our circumstances were different. And I had thought of her as my friend, one who would do the same if our circumstances were reversed.

On the day she invited me to meet at a local coffee shop for what I thought was going to be a pleasant chat, she used our time together to air a list of grievances about me that went back years. As she ticked off items from her list, we talked through each situation. Throughout the discussion, she ended up admitting there was either more information to the story that she hadn’t been aware of and she hadn’t given me the benefit of the doubt, or these were very petty complaints. After our talk, she said she felt “relieved to clear the air.” I, on the other hand, felt totally deflated. I had been blindsided, judged and felt used over a long period of time. I was being resented and held to a standard of perfection that is not fair to expect from anyone. I began distancing myself from her.

Two persons cannot be friends if they cannot forgive each other’s little failings.

–Jean de la Bruyere

Moving on from my friendship with Lucy was not as difficult as I had thought it would be. Our paths didn’t cross much, and I realized I had been making excuses for our one-sided relationship. If I was being honest with myself, I could see that this pattern in our friendship had gone on for years. Looking back, I know that letting go of Lucy freed up more time to focus on friends who truly care about me, flaws and all.