Do You Really Want to Know

Sometimes I wonder when I’m talking with friends how honest to be when someone I care about asks for my opinion if I know it may not jive with theirs. Whether we’re talking about a world event or how they look in their outfit, I find myself wondering whether they genuinely want to know what I am thinking or if they’re just looking for reassurance and affirmation.

Although no one wants to intentionally hurt or offend their close friends, the truth can at times be difficult to swallow. We all know, ideally, honesty is the best policy. But in an era of bitter political divisiveness and conspiracy theories, how much hard conversation and disagreement can we really handle with our friends? And, what is the point of hashing things out when we can all be so stuck with opposing views?

I have found myself avoiding conversation topics and disagreeing with friends in the past few years more frequently than I care to admit. In our divisive political environment, we can seem cemented to our opinions, even when we may not have enough information about the topic at hand. We live in a moment when all manner of facts are called into question, and that makes it difficult to define a baseline for a conversation. Research shows that people tend to tune out facts that don’t align with their opinions, and while our intentions may generally be good, people often discount scientific information if it conflicts with their goals.

My view is that the point of conversation is to learn more about how others are seeing things. I like to ask questions and probe the answers, but I also understand this style of conversation can be interpreted as confrontational or annoying.

Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it will always get you the right ones.

–John Lennon

This whole issue reminds me of the classic courtroom scene from the 1992 film A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson’s character, a decorated colonel in the Marines, explodes under oath in the courtroom with the line, “You can’t handle the truth!”

In life, as in the movie, I believe the truth usually has a way of floating to the surface. Even though honesty can be challenging at times, most relationships will benefit from it. At the same time, a little diplomacy can go a long way toward helping everyone in the conversation learn more about the view from a perspective other than their own. Sometimes it’s not what we say, but how we say it that makes the difference in how it’s perceived.