Finding Friends at Work

Most people crave the feeling of belonging. A desire to create community and coalesce around a shared purpose is what has led to the lasting success of many community, university, and social organizations. Growing up, we find community in the classroom, experience shared victories on sports teams, and discover common interests in clubs. Then we reach adulthood, and those ready-made communities disappear for most of us.

When I think back to my early career days, I can still feel that sense of loss and loneliness when long hours hanging out with friends on campus was replaced with cubicle life. My quest to make friends at work felt like an act of survival, and in some cases, desperation. In my first ‘real’ job, a one-year internship at a ball-bearing manufacturer in Germany, I was thousands of miles from home and barely spoke the language of my host country. While I was comforted by frequent phone calls with Sara, who then lived 5 hours north in Bremen, I knew I had to find common ground with a colleague or two in order to get through each day.

The location of my desk wasn’t much help. I sat close to my standoffish boss, but I also sat facing an older gentleman, Herr Lutz. Since our desks were pushed up against one another, we’d make small talk, and I soon learned about the ‘volkswanderungs,’ or organized community hikes, that Herr Lutz would embark on with friends most weekends. Each week, he’d proudly show me the trinkets he received for his paricipation in the events, and I started to look forward to our Monday morning chats.

Not until much later in my career did I realize how valuable workplace friendships can be. A strong work friendship can significantly boost your job satisfaction, alleviate stress, and even open doors to new opportunities through shared insights and support. And, according to the Survey Center on American Life, “Americans are now more likely to make friends at work than any other way — including at school, in their neighborhood, at their place of worship, or even through existing friends,” 

Motivation comes from working on things we care about. It also comes from working with people we care about.

Sheryl Sandberg

Given the amount of time many of us spend at work, companies are increasingly paying attention to the role workplace friendships play in employee engagement. My current employer uses Gallup’s Q12 Employee Engagement Survey to measure workplace satisfaction. When I first took the survey, I was struck that one of a limited number of questions was about having ‘a best friend at work.’ What surprised me more is what Gallup writes about this on their website, noting that, “More than any other Q¹² statement, “I have a best friend at work” tends to generate questions and skepticism. But there is one stubborn fact: It predicts performance.”

When I reflect back on my 30-plus years in the workplace, not only did the close friendships I made on the job make the work more enjoyable, but they also continue to be friendships I enjoy to this day. Friends I’ve made at work reminisce with me about shared experiences, and we laugh about our misadventures. I have no doubt that much of my career success has been boosted by these friendships, since “friends are more committed, communicate better, and encourage each other,” according to Harvard Business Review.

While I lost touch with my former colleague Herr Lutz many years ago, I know his kindness helped me find a small sense of belonging in an otherwise lonely place. I keep those friendly chats in mind anytime I meet someone new to my company. My words of welcome may be the extent of our exchange, but it could also be the start of a deeper connection. At a minimum, it may help us both feel more of a sense of belonging at work.